Even in My Dreams

Do you think God still speaks to us in dreams? I don't know that I have the clarity of dreams that are found in the Old Testament, but I definitely have dreams. Sometimes I clearly see meaning in my dreams and other times I pray earnestly for God to reveal the message. This dream had a mixture of both elements.
Early Sunday morning I was dreaming about being at church. I was asked to go buy some gifts and come back after the service with them. I should have known something was up when I walked out onto a busy street. My church had been transported to some far away city, much larger than Montgomery.
I found my car and went to buy gifts for the children. I was driving along a road I thought I knew well. Suddenly the road disappeared and I was sliding down a slick embankment! There were people in front of me, young people who were navigating through the now wooded "road" with ease. I found myself out of my car and sliding along my backside down this forever steepening and narrowing now grassy path. I was thrown into a tree on the right side of the road and catapulted gently into the face of a mountain.
This mountain had a face carved in it similar to those of the Moai on Easter Island.The face was looking down making it an impossible mountain to climb. Geometrically speaking, the face of the mountain was an acute angle about 60°. I was praying for help off this mountain. I didn't see a way down. I had a prompting to climb up the mountain. I tried to reason with the prompting. "I can't, I'm not strong enough." I continued to give reasons for not letting go and moving up, but the now voice was still prompting me to climb.
After much debate I slowly released my grip from the mountain and reached up. I was sliding up the face of the mountain! With every reach I got closer to the top. How could this be? How was I sliding UP the mountain? As crazy and chaotic as the sliding down was before, I was now sliding UP in a controlled assisted way. My faith was building now. I triumphantly reached one had ahead of the other and finally simply stretched my arms out as if sliding down a slide. I now realized that God was moving me. It was impossible, but through obedience (or lack of any other options) I made the first move. The less I tried to control my path the easier the accent became.
I reached the top of the mountain and found myself moved to the top of my church, the one I had been trying to get back too all along. I was battered, bruised and tired, BUT I was safe. People came to my aid then the dream gets a little blurry.

How amazing is our GOD! I had a conversation just last week about my resistance to going through something. I told my friend I feel God preparing me for something, but I don't know what. I sense a season of hardship. I don't know in what area particular, but I am encouraged. God makes all things beautiful in His time. How precious and I to my Father in Heaven that He would comfort me in a dream! He will sustain us. He will move in ways that we can't even fathom. Obedience, submissive obedience to God the Father.

Seeking God's Direction

This week I have been truly blessed by a speaker at RBC's Returning to Your First Love conference. Monday he talked about Jonah and that God will let you buy the devil's ticket and get hurt if it will draw you back to Him. Tonight we were in Jeremiah 18 - The potter forming the clay. The clay has to be found, freed, fixed, formed and fired by the potter in order to ever be anything more than a lump of clay.

There have been two themes of this week that really spoke to me. First, God still speaks to His children. He will make known His will for our lives. We make a choice to "arise" and get with God's plan. Second, not all of life's storms should be blamed on the devil. We are not perfect, God does have to mold and shape us from time to time.

Reflecting on my life right now I am not sure if I'm being fixed, formed or fired. This adoption process is really taking a toll on my emotions. I can't distinguish between God's direction and my desire.  Seemingly every road block that could come up is coming up with us and I am beginning to wonder if this is God telling us not now or the devil trying to stop us.

I don't know anymore. Could we really have been so wrong in pursuing adoption right now? Did I misinterpret my desire for God's calling? I don't know. Please join me in praying for a discerning AND submissive spirit. If it turns out that this is not our time to adopt, then I am going to have a difficult time accepting that. I'm just being real and honest. I want to adopt a child. I thought it was a desire of my heart put there by God. Through all of this.... I just don't know anymore.

Don't get me wrong I still long very much to start our family with adoption, but I don't believe that is going to happen anymore... God is still good and worthy of all of my praise. I will continue to praise Him through this and all the days of my life. My understanding of His plans is irrelevant to His deserving my praise.

A Little Sad

To be honest, I fell very sad today. To top off my sadness, I have a ton of guilt about feeling sad. Last night while talking with the hubby I confessed that I am feeling a little depressed.

I intellectually know that I am blessed. I thank God for my blessings daily. I strive to be content in all things. But when I really peel back the surface gratitude I am left with frustration. I feel enormous guilt at my audacity to even be discontent.

I'm counting my blessings. I have salvation and with salvation comes all of God's blessings. I have my health. I have great family members. I have a loving husband who would do anything for me. I have food in my belly and a roof over my head. I have money for the power bill. We have all we need and many of the things that we want.

With all of those blessings how dare I complain. Yet I still find myself doing it. I'm like a whiny child who got the first edition of a new gadget when the second edition is out. I feel like God may soon say Ok you ungrateful child if you don't like what I've already given you then I'll take it away.

At the same time, I know God loves me and is full of grace. He knows in my heart I am grateful for what I have and longing for more at the same time. It truly isn't that I don't like or appreciate what I do have. It is more about longing for more, like a deeper relationship with God & family.

If I'm honest, I know my drive is God given. I just don't know that my motives are. Do you ever struggle with discerning your motives? Am I getting ahead of God's plan OR am I using my talents to the best of my ability? I need peace in my spirit. I need confirmation that I am in His will. And, I'm sure that I also NEED to relax.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

It Isn't Us!!!

I am so happy to report that I have an update on our adoption. The state "likes us" our agency is "behind us and supports us" but somewhere that has been lost in translation. Basically we don't have anything else left to do except wait. APAC our agency is having to add some supporting information spelling out their opinion of us as an adoptive family.

I am so relieved. I know intellectually that it is all in God's hands and His timing. I was beginning to doubt myself though. I was starting to think that the state had found some "problem" with us. I was scared they would say, "No. We aren't giving you children. You would be a horrible mom." I know it is illogical, but after 8 months in review I was really wondering...

Tonight I am thankful that the state is thorough and I am earnestly praying for all the children in foster care this holiday season. I'm thankful for the foster parents taking care of my child/children until I can meet them. I'm thankful that I am God's child. He loves me and I am his heir. Oh the promises that I will inherit as a child of God!

Love Letters from 1949

Sunday I sat home and read the letters between my grandparents written over 60 years ago. I found out that my papa called her Mickey, his Mickey. I saw their closing line evolve from "Sincerely" ~ "Yours Truly" ~ "All My Love". It was amazing to read what was happening in their lives 35 years before I was born. When my grandparents were my age they had just met. I found out that they met 2 years before they dated. I read about how they felt they had wasted those two years not being together.
They began corresponding in February of 1949 and were married in September of the same year. I was sad to reach the end of the letters. I know the rest of their story, but it was so nice to read their words. I hope to scan the letters into my computer and make a book for our family.

Really? I got sucked in again!

Today is October 31 aka Halloween. Ghost and goblins and all other crazy scary freaky characters you can think of are staring on TV tonight. Now, I don't seek out scary shows. As a matter of fact, I actively try to avoid them. Once when I was 7, I saw part of Pet Cemetery I still jump into the bed rather than stand by the edge!(monster hides under bed and grabs little kid)
It never fails though, I will get sucked in by the suspense for a second. Tonight I saw a glimpse of one of the Halloween movies (I don't even know which one). It is currently 2:21am and I am wide awake. I tried to go into the living room and get some work done. I am so freaked out though, I managed only to grab my laptop and sprint back down the hall and jump (literally see above reference) into bed!


Before we go any further, let me apologize for what is sure to be a lengthy rambling blog post. Cut me some slack I have no business being awake at this time of the morning. There, you had your chance to leave, now you must finish reading this post.


Friday night I dreamed that I was casting a demon out of a wild pig trying to get into a nursery. WHAT??? Yeah I heard two ladies talking about running and coming across wild pigs so naturally I dreamed about them.
I spent the majority of my dream running from this pig. I was in a room with swinging doors and this was a smart pig. I was trying to hold the doors shut and the pig knew they opened both ways. Then I suddenly stood up and looked over the half door (yeah half doors, like in a nursery at church) and COMMANDED that demon to flee. In the name of Christ you have no power over me! You CAN NOT harm me, I am a child of GOD! When I tell you I was casting out a demon I need you to understand my slightly Pentecostal heritage. I had such force and conviction in my voice and such assurance that God would deliver me.
I wonder if ever truly faced with a situation in life if I will have such conviction. I hope I would, but I honestly don't want to find out. 
I normally sleep with my contacts in, nifty 30 day 30 night lenses. When I do take them out I will almost always have a dream that involves me not being able to see. For instance, last night my left contact was bothering me so I took it out. Not long after drifting off to sleep, I started to dream.
My mom and I were driving down a road (Perry Hill to be specific). As we were approaching a bridge I said "Mom, I need your help. I don't feel very good. When I get to the other side of the bridge I am going to pull over and I need you to drive" Then suddenly everything became blurry and I started to drift right. I tried to close my left eye so I could see but it was too late. I was screaming at this point for my mom to help me and trying to turn the wheel, but I couldn't. Then we crashed over the side of the bridge and ... I woke up with a startle! Where is a Joseph when I need one?
I sure hope if God is trying to tell me something with all these dreams he has an interpreter coming soon. Now I am especially concerned about going to sleep tonight eh this morning. Between the contacts being out and catching a glimpse of Michael Mires and prehistoric piranhas there is no telling what I will dream about! 

So This is Fall!

New Day

Thank God for night. Have you ever thought about what our life would be without night? I know it's out there, but bare with me I have a point (I think). This morning I woke up at 5:40 when Kyle got out of bed. Admittedly, I resisted getting out of bed at first. BUT THEN... I made a choice.

I made a choice that even though my "perfect" week had been shot yesterday with sleeping in, today was a new day. The 5-8 hours (okay okay, 8-10 hours for me) of sleep we get each night is like a reset button. Yesterday fades into our memories and we wake up a new day. A day wiser, a day older, hopefully a day with more resolve to be better than we were yesterday.

I got out of bed turned on the Contemporary Christian music channel and opened my Bible to the James. I plan to read the entire book of James for the next week. It's about a 15 minute read. I want the truths fresh in my mind and heart everyday.

We profit from trials. We should love God in the trials. We are to be doers and not just hearers. Do not show favoritism. Faith and works go hand in hand. The tongue is powerful seek to tame it.  Discern where your wisdom comes from. Pride promotes strife, be humble and do not judge but give mercy. Don't boast about tomorrow. God will judge the oppressors. Be patient and persevere. Pray faithfully and specifically. Bring back straying believers.

Speaking of new, this evening will bring a new hairstyle :) YAY!

Prayer need: Several adoptive families are going through difficult times with the genetic nature of their child. Please join me in praying that the nurture and environment would overtake these children's hearts and minds. God's hand is in each of these families and He will meet all their needs. "You don't know what you are getting when you adopt" has been the most common response to our desire to adopt. They are right, I don't know. GOD DOES! God knows and I trust Him completely. 

Lord, I Am Ready

I am ready to let go of the bondage Satan has put around me. I am ready to live a life that is pleasing to Him. I am ready to (deep breath) tame my tongue.

Our preacher has been teaching on the topic of peace and harmony the last few weeks. In the sermon yesterday I was really really convicted about my critical thoughts. Then this morning while reading a post on a friend's blog I see that she will be doing a 14 day "kind word" sort of challenge. Hmmm that's two "coincidental and corresponding" reminders about my flaw. I know 28 years isn't a terribly long time, but it is enough time to realize that if something is laid in my path frequently and in a short time God is telling me to LISTEN UP!

I also spoke to my pastor's wife yesterday. I asked her to pray for me because of my targeted prayers. Satan sets his targets on us when we start setting our sites on God. My specific prayer for the next few weeks will be this

Lord allow me to show others (specifically my husband) your love through my words and actions. Proverbs 16:24 says that kind words are like honey, sweet to the soul and good for the body.

I realize that I am most critical of those who I love. I am also quite critical of myself. I need to speak kind words in a kind tone with love. Kyle will also be going through a men's Bible study on being a courageous man for 6 weeks at church. It is a study based on the new movie out, Courageous. It is based on the Biblical truths as illustrated in that movie (you know what I mean).  If you haven't seen the movie, I HIGHLY recommend it, but take tissues (even the macho men cry during this flick.

Changes are coming to the Bolling home. I don't know what God has planned, but he is stirring in both our hearts. I have to admit though, I am scared that I am not up for the challenges that may be ahead. I fiercely believe that Satan is constantly battling against those who love the Lord and share His news. When we are focused in, the devil works overtime.

Has Anyone Seen My Motivation?

This week I implemented a chore chart of sorts in my house... You are correct, I do not have children. The chart is for me. Just like when you memorized your Bible verse or came to class every week and got a sticker on the class role, I get a sticker for doing the most basic things.

1. Get out of bed ON TIME 6:30
2. Bible study and quiet time
3. Make Bed
4. Work out at YMCA
5. Pick up living area. No dishes in sink at bedtime.

Don't judge me! I'm a super overachiever in some areas. Household chores and self-motivation are NOT those areas. Just ask my mother. Would you believe there is 1 thing I have done consistantly EVERYDAY this week? I have made my bed every single day this week, granted Wednesday it was 30 mins before we went back to bed.

On the flip side not once this week have I gotten out of bed on time. I swear I absolutely hate waking up in the mornings. Once Kyle gets up around 5 I start dreaming and sometimes the dreams are so strange I just don't want to leave them. I will go in and out of sleep hitting the snooze button for over an hour! RIDICULOUS I KNOW!!

I am trying so hard to form better habits. My reward is a manicure when I have accumulated 66 stamps. I have a possible 33 each week because I don't have to get out of bed at 6:30 on weekends :) In exchange for 2 weeks worth of good behavior I will treat myself to a manicure. It may take a while because of a possible 25 this week, I have 10 so far...

When We Leave Who Will Be There?

This afternoon I had the pleasure of going to a funeral of a dear lady in our church. Mrs. Sara was 52 and had been diagnosed with a brain tumor about 2 years ago. She was the youngest of 4 siblings, a mother, daughter, wife, and servant of God. Her family knew this day was coming, and they had the peace of God all around them.

As I was sitting in our church this afternoon where Sara had been a member since she was born, I looked around at all the people. The church was filled front to back, side to side, and even some in our balcony. It struck me that the people in that sanctuary were only a fraction of the lives she had touched through her years on this earth. How will people remember us when we die and leave this earth?

In the last 4 years there have been many people who have touched my life die and enter the gates of Heaven. An accident took the life of Jason Humphries on Thanksgiving Day four years ago. Brad Strickland was also tragically young and died quickly and unexpectedly in a fire. My Aunt Deb had a heart condition that was unknown and passed 2 years ago without warning and most recently my Great Aunt Lillian who was in her 90s died peacefully.

All four of these people touched an immeasurable number of people in their lives. They were loved deeply and they loved others. Most importantly they had all accepted Christ Jesus as their Lord and Savior. I know their suffering on Earth is finished and they will be rejoicing with the Father in Heaven. What a great celebration that will be when Christ comes back to call His children home!

The time to accept Christ is now. None of us are guaranteed tomorrow. Live each day well. Love others, serve others and make a difference in the lives around you. How sad would it be to die having not made an impact on this world?

Fall in the South

What a beautiful day today! I love 3 of the four seasons but I think I enjoy fall the most. Last night Kyle and I went to dinner then to see Courageous. I am so grateful for the church and leadership behind Sherwood pictures. Their movies are so uplifting and real. It was a great date night.

Today we both slept in with no alarm set. When I woke up I immediately opened all the windows and lit candles. We did get some housework done today, but mostly just relaxed and watched football. Both of our teams won today, so no one is grouchy.

I am truly trying to enjoy these BC days. BC stands for before children in our house. I am excited about our future adoption and pray for our kids wherever they are right now. One thing is certain, we lead very chilled lives right now. We don't know how our lives will change exactly once we adopt, but we know it will.

Taking time to enjoy my life right now has always been a struggle for me. My type A personality and perfectionist tendencies always leave me looking ahead to the next step. I am trying to relax more, enjoy more, and experience more of the present.

Progress

It seems like we are stepping forward. This week I was able to secure a new client for my business. We received an update from our APAC worker. I feel like there is some light at the end of this tunnel.

My business is taking off much slower than I had hoped. It is mostly my fault for not being more proactive in acquiring new accounts. I haven't developed adequate marketing materials and I haven't gotten myself out there at all. Despite all of my shortcomings I have a new client! I will have 2 weeks to get the last years worth of transactions in to quickbooks for a bridal boutique. I was so excited!

I also spent the week studying for an online exam. I passed the testing and now am getting set up with a company that ranks search engine results... At least I think that is the basis of what I will be doing. I have done my homework and spoken with some friends of friends who work for the company and it is a legit work from home company.

Finally, we have some progress on our adoption paperwork. I spoke to our APAC worker Wednesday and she had received my medical records. This meant they could finalize their letter and assessment of the States concerns. We are praying for God to be with each of the people who touch our papers as they go through the state departments. We KNOW God is in control. HE has already established and ordered our steps and the children who are meant to be ours will be in His time.

All in all this has been a good week. I was exhausted tonight and went to bed at 8:30. Of course that means the I woke up around midnight. So far I have cleaned the bathroom and watched several episodes of Seconds to Disaster.

Waiting Parents

When looking at websites about adoption, you always read "waiting children". Right now, we are waiting parents. I broke down tonight again. It has been over a year since we filled out the first paperwork for DHR. We originally were drawn to three siblings on the heart gallery website for Alabama. They were removed from the site in November of last year. I cried and prayed that they were all placed together in a loving home. Tonight, two of the three were back on the site.
I completely broke down. I want my kids. Whether those two boys are meant to be mine or not, I don't know. What I do know is that because of things outside their control they are not with their sister. Can you even imagine? How do you go from one of three to the only one? How do you have your sister and then know you will never live with her again?
If you read this, please join with me in praying for all of the waiting parents and children. Pray that the state officials will work as hard and fast as they can to get these kids home.
I love you sweet one. Know that I am holding you in my heart until I can hold you in my arms.

Are Titles Really Important?

I was told in college that writing the introduction is often the most difficult part of writing a paper. I think coming up with a title is pretty difficult too! As I wrote "Are Titles Really Important?" I remembered a thought I had earlier this week.

I was shopping last week for some new clothes. (Does anyone else remember when $25 was NOT the clearance price?) As I looked at the clothes, makeup, accessories, and shoes I thought about how ridiculously expensive it is to live in this "developed" country. I consider myself a feminine girly girl with common sense. In this economy that is an oxymoron! Just look at this ensemble:

This outfit is $57.97! Add to that make-up, eyebrow tweezing, nails, purse, earrings, and other wouldn't go in public without and you are close to $75! Where do you think this outfit came from? Guesses? SEARS! That is like Wal-Mart/Target/KMart prices. Seriously, when did we get to a point where one outfit cost half a day's wages? I just don't understand.

Ok rant over. I will continue my quest to look cute and girly on a budget.

Time to Work

I have thoroughly enjoyed my month without working full time. Work was so stressful the last few months I'm surprised I didn't loose my mind! Now that I have had a month to regain my sanity it is time to get down to business.

Goal setting was never something I was good at. Being a perfectionist makes it very difficult for me to write down my goals. What if I am unable to reach my goals? I fail and that is not something I enjoy doing! It is time to set some goals. It is time to really look at my business and plan for the future.

Our adoption has been held up at the state DHR level. Right now I am anticipating our paperwork getting back to the state around October. Add 13 weeks to October and we are into 2012. It is disappointing, but realistically, we aren't quite ready to have a child/children yet. What can I do right now? Right now I can secure my income by building my business.

Tomorrow night is dinner with my in laws. I love that. I love having grandparents around even if they are my husbands. It is so amazing what we can learn from seniors. They have lived through so much.

Seeking wisdom and guidance this week. Blessings to you.

What's my motive?

I have a slight need to control things. I know this is shocking for anyone who knows me in real life, but I am a bit of a control freak. I really have to examine my motives sometimes. Looking deep within my actions and desires to determine my motives is sometimes VERY difficult.


Give it to God and don't take it back!

Starting Year #3

Today was our 2nd anniversary. I must say it is 100 times better than our first anniversary. Last year I was enjoying a night in the ER finding out about my kidney stone that would stick around for a month!

Tonight we enjoyed game night with our friends. Our relationship started during our game night dinners 4 years ago. Kyle asked me to marry him on game night. Its fitting that we share our second anniversary with our friends who brought us together.

Year two brought us so many changes. We started the domestic adoption process (still going through hoops). I started my own business with his support. We decided to sell our house and bought land in a smaller town. We went on our first mission trip. We enjoyed many new things and places last year. I hope our third year brings us many more first and new experiences. I wouldn't change one thing!

I take you Kyle, to be my husband,
loving you now and as you grow and develop into all that God intends.
I will love you when we are together and when we are apart;
when our lives are at peace and when they are in turmoil;
when I am proud of you and when I am disappointed in you;
in times of rest and in times of work.
I will honor your goals and dreams and help you to fulfill them.
From the depth of my being,
I will seek to be open and honest with you.
I say these things knowing that God is in the midst of them all.

Smurfs and Promises

Recently I heard about this driving game where you point out different colors of cars on the road, for example the French’s yellow car or the Smurf blue truck.  While my friends were talking about this game I was thinking, “Are there really that many distinct Smurf blue paint jobs out there?” YES there are! Since hearing that story I have seen at least half a dozen Smurf blue vehicles every time I travel! I have seen so many yellow and blue cars that I now play the Pepto pink game just to focus on a new color. Life is like that though isn’t it? We see what we are seeking.

I talk about writing down prayers to the youth at my church a lot. I tell them about the prayers that I have prayed over the last decade and how amazing it is to see God’s answers. While watching for God to answer a prayer is great, I’ve recently been so convicted that I was missing something…

On our mission trip two weeks ago, the homeowner was telling us about God keeping His promise to her. In a dream she saw a carpenter walking around her crumbling house, she cried in her dream and the carpenter said, “I can fix this. Trust me.” When our mission team arrived to give her a new roof, she realized it was God fulfilling His promise to her in her dream.  How often have I focused and meditated on God’s promises fulfilled or seeing his blessings?

This week I commit to opening my eyes and looking for God’s promises fulfilled and His blessings on my life.

Psalm 119:40-42

The Message (MSG)

 ^41-48 Let your love, God, shape my life
      with salvation, exactly as you promised;
   Then I'll be able to stand up to mockery
      because I trusted your Word.
   Don't ever deprive me of truth, not ever—
      your commandments are what I depend on.
   Oh, I'll guard with my life what you've revealed to me,
      guard it now, guard it ever;
   And I'll stride freely through wide open spaces
      as I look for your truth and your wisdom;
   Then I'll tell the world what I find,
      speak out boldly in public, unembarrassed.
   I cherish your commandments—oh, how I love them!—
      relishing every fragment of your counsel.