This week I have been truly blessed by a speaker at RBC's Returning to Your First Love conference. Monday he talked about Jonah and that God will let you buy the devil's ticket and get hurt if it will draw you back to Him. Tonight we were in Jeremiah 18 - The potter forming the clay. The clay has to be found, freed, fixed, formed and fired by the potter in order to ever be anything more than a lump of clay.
There have been two themes of this week that really spoke to me. First, God still speaks to His children. He will make known His will for our lives. We make a choice to "arise" and get with God's plan. Second, not all of life's storms should be blamed on the devil. We are not perfect, God does have to mold and shape us from time to time.
Reflecting on my life right now I am not sure if I'm being fixed, formed or fired. This adoption process is really taking a toll on my emotions. I can't distinguish between God's direction and my desire. Seemingly every road block that could come up is coming up with us and I am beginning to wonder if this is God telling us not now or the devil trying to stop us.
I don't know anymore. Could we really have been so wrong in pursuing adoption right now? Did I misinterpret my desire for God's calling? I don't know. Please join me in praying for a discerning AND submissive spirit. If it turns out that this is not our time to adopt, then I am going to have a difficult time accepting that. I'm just being real and honest. I want to adopt a child. I thought it was a desire of my heart put there by God. Through all of this.... I just don't know anymore.
Don't get me wrong I still long very much to start our family with adoption, but I don't believe that is going to happen anymore... God is still good and worthy of all of my praise. I will continue to praise Him through this and all the days of my life. My understanding of His plans is irrelevant to His deserving my praise.
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Thursday, November 24, 2011
A Little Sad
To be honest, I fell very sad today. To top off my sadness, I have a ton of guilt about feeling sad. Last night while talking with the hubby I confessed that I am feeling a little depressed.
I intellectually know that I am blessed. I thank God for my blessings daily. I strive to be content in all things. But when I really peel back the surface gratitude I am left with frustration. I feel enormous guilt at my audacity to even be discontent.
I'm counting my blessings. I have salvation and with salvation comes all of God's blessings. I have my health. I have great family members. I have a loving husband who would do anything for me. I have food in my belly and a roof over my head. I have money for the power bill. We have all we need and many of the things that we want.
With all of those blessings how dare I complain. Yet I still find myself doing it. I'm like a whiny child who got the first edition of a new gadget when the second edition is out. I feel like God may soon say Ok you ungrateful child if you don't like what I've already given you then I'll take it away.
At the same time, I know God loves me and is full of grace. He knows in my heart I am grateful for what I have and longing for more at the same time. It truly isn't that I don't like or appreciate what I do have. It is more about longing for more, like a deeper relationship with God & family.
If I'm honest, I know my drive is God given. I just don't know that my motives are. Do you ever struggle with discerning your motives? Am I getting ahead of God's plan OR am I using my talents to the best of my ability? I need peace in my spirit. I need confirmation that I am in His will. And, I'm sure that I also NEED to relax.
Happy Thanksgiving everyone!
I intellectually know that I am blessed. I thank God for my blessings daily. I strive to be content in all things. But when I really peel back the surface gratitude I am left with frustration. I feel enormous guilt at my audacity to even be discontent.
I'm counting my blessings. I have salvation and with salvation comes all of God's blessings. I have my health. I have great family members. I have a loving husband who would do anything for me. I have food in my belly and a roof over my head. I have money for the power bill. We have all we need and many of the things that we want.
With all of those blessings how dare I complain. Yet I still find myself doing it. I'm like a whiny child who got the first edition of a new gadget when the second edition is out. I feel like God may soon say Ok you ungrateful child if you don't like what I've already given you then I'll take it away.
At the same time, I know God loves me and is full of grace. He knows in my heart I am grateful for what I have and longing for more at the same time. It truly isn't that I don't like or appreciate what I do have. It is more about longing for more, like a deeper relationship with God & family.
If I'm honest, I know my drive is God given. I just don't know that my motives are. Do you ever struggle with discerning your motives? Am I getting ahead of God's plan OR am I using my talents to the best of my ability? I need peace in my spirit. I need confirmation that I am in His will. And, I'm sure that I also NEED to relax.
Happy Thanksgiving everyone!
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
It Isn't Us!!!
I am so happy to report that I have an update on our adoption. The state "likes us" our agency is "behind us and supports us" but somewhere that has been lost in translation. Basically we don't have anything else left to do except wait. APAC our agency is having to add some supporting information spelling out their opinion of us as an adoptive family.
I am so relieved. I know intellectually that it is all in God's hands and His timing. I was beginning to doubt myself though. I was starting to think that the state had found some "problem" with us. I was scared they would say, "No. We aren't giving you children. You would be a horrible mom." I know it is illogical, but after 8 months in review I was really wondering...
Tonight I am thankful that the state is thorough and I am earnestly praying for all the children in foster care this holiday season. I'm thankful for the foster parents taking care of my child/children until I can meet them. I'm thankful that I am God's child. He loves me and I am his heir. Oh the promises that I will inherit as a child of God!
I am so relieved. I know intellectually that it is all in God's hands and His timing. I was beginning to doubt myself though. I was starting to think that the state had found some "problem" with us. I was scared they would say, "No. We aren't giving you children. You would be a horrible mom." I know it is illogical, but after 8 months in review I was really wondering...
Tonight I am thankful that the state is thorough and I am earnestly praying for all the children in foster care this holiday season. I'm thankful for the foster parents taking care of my child/children until I can meet them. I'm thankful that I am God's child. He loves me and I am his heir. Oh the promises that I will inherit as a child of God!
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Love Letters from 1949
Sunday I sat home and read the letters between my grandparents written over 60 years ago. I found out that my papa called her Mickey, his Mickey. I saw their closing line evolve from "Sincerely" ~ "Yours Truly" ~ "All My Love". It was amazing to read what was happening in their lives 35 years before I was born. When my grandparents were my age they had just met. I found out that they met 2 years before they dated. I read about how they felt they had wasted those two years not being together.
They began corresponding in February of 1949 and were married in September of the same year. I was sad to reach the end of the letters. I know the rest of their story, but it was so nice to read their words. I hope to scan the letters into my computer and make a book for our family.
They began corresponding in February of 1949 and were married in September of the same year. I was sad to reach the end of the letters. I know the rest of their story, but it was so nice to read their words. I hope to scan the letters into my computer and make a book for our family.
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Really? I got sucked in again!
Today is October 31 aka Halloween. Ghost and goblins and all other crazy scary freaky characters you can think of are staring on TV tonight. Now, I don't seek out scary shows. As a matter of fact, I actively try to avoid them. Once when I was 7, I saw part of Pet Cemetery I still jump into the bed rather than stand by the edge!(monster hides under bed and grabs little kid)
It never fails though, I will get sucked in by the suspense for a second. Tonight I saw a glimpse of one of the Halloween movies (I don't even know which one). It is currently 2:21am and I am wide awake. I tried to go into the living room and get some work done. I am so freaked out though, I managed only to grab my laptop and sprint back down the hall and jump (literally see above reference) into bed!
Before we go any further, let me apologize for what is sure to be a lengthy rambling blog post. Cut me some slack I have no business being awake at this time of the morning. There, you had your chance to leave, now you must finish reading this post.
Friday night I dreamed that I was casting a demon out of a wild pig trying to get into a nursery. WHAT??? Yeah I heard two ladies talking about running and coming across wild pigs so naturally I dreamed about them.
I spent the majority of my dream running from this pig. I was in a room with swinging doors and this was a smart pig. I was trying to hold the doors shut and the pig knew they opened both ways. Then I suddenly stood up and looked over the half door (yeah half doors, like in a nursery at church) and COMMANDED that demon to flee. In the name of Christ you have no power over me! You CAN NOT harm me, I am a child of GOD! When I tell you I was casting out a demon I need you to understand my slightly Pentecostal heritage. I had such force and conviction in my voice and such assurance that God would deliver me.
I wonder if ever truly faced with a situation in life if I will have such conviction. I hope I would, but I honestly don't want to find out.
I normally sleep with my contacts in, nifty 30 day 30 night lenses. When I do take them out I will almost always have a dream that involves me not being able to see. For instance, last night my left contact was bothering me so I took it out. Not long after drifting off to sleep, I started to dream.
My mom and I were driving down a road (Perry Hill to be specific). As we were approaching a bridge I said "Mom, I need your help. I don't feel very good. When I get to the other side of the bridge I am going to pull over and I need you to drive" Then suddenly everything became blurry and I started to drift right. I tried to close my left eye so I could see but it was too late. I was screaming at this point for my mom to help me and trying to turn the wheel, but I couldn't. Then we crashed over the side of the bridge and ... I woke up with a startle! Where is a Joseph when I need one?
I sure hope if God is trying to tell me something with all these dreams he has an interpreter coming soon. Now I am especially concerned about going to sleep tonight eh this morning. Between the contacts being out and catching a glimpse of Michael Mires and prehistoric piranhas there is no telling what I will dream about!
It never fails though, I will get sucked in by the suspense for a second. Tonight I saw a glimpse of one of the Halloween movies (I don't even know which one). It is currently 2:21am and I am wide awake. I tried to go into the living room and get some work done. I am so freaked out though, I managed only to grab my laptop and sprint back down the hall and jump (literally see above reference) into bed!
Before we go any further, let me apologize for what is sure to be a lengthy rambling blog post. Cut me some slack I have no business being awake at this time of the morning. There, you had your chance to leave, now you must finish reading this post.
Friday night I dreamed that I was casting a demon out of a wild pig trying to get into a nursery. WHAT??? Yeah I heard two ladies talking about running and coming across wild pigs so naturally I dreamed about them.
I spent the majority of my dream running from this pig. I was in a room with swinging doors and this was a smart pig. I was trying to hold the doors shut and the pig knew they opened both ways. Then I suddenly stood up and looked over the half door (yeah half doors, like in a nursery at church) and COMMANDED that demon to flee. In the name of Christ you have no power over me! You CAN NOT harm me, I am a child of GOD! When I tell you I was casting out a demon I need you to understand my slightly Pentecostal heritage. I had such force and conviction in my voice and such assurance that God would deliver me.
I wonder if ever truly faced with a situation in life if I will have such conviction. I hope I would, but I honestly don't want to find out.
I normally sleep with my contacts in, nifty 30 day 30 night lenses. When I do take them out I will almost always have a dream that involves me not being able to see. For instance, last night my left contact was bothering me so I took it out. Not long after drifting off to sleep, I started to dream.
My mom and I were driving down a road (Perry Hill to be specific). As we were approaching a bridge I said "Mom, I need your help. I don't feel very good. When I get to the other side of the bridge I am going to pull over and I need you to drive" Then suddenly everything became blurry and I started to drift right. I tried to close my left eye so I could see but it was too late. I was screaming at this point for my mom to help me and trying to turn the wheel, but I couldn't. Then we crashed over the side of the bridge and ... I woke up with a startle! Where is a Joseph when I need one?
I sure hope if God is trying to tell me something with all these dreams he has an interpreter coming soon. Now I am especially concerned about going to sleep tonight eh this morning. Between the contacts being out and catching a glimpse of Michael Mires and prehistoric piranhas there is no telling what I will dream about!
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